Contrast

At the turn of the new year and after buying a new journal to house my thoughts I thought it fitting to go back and read the first few entries in my previous journal. To see if my mentality had changed, to see if I'd become wiser, better with God.

"I'm not sure if I like what I see in the mirror now."

I was struggling with deep doubts. I had activated my motivation as per the last post- two days after it I'd written my support letter, week after I'd mailed them out to friends. But at the turn of the new year I found myself in a dark place. I had to be real with myself: I felt like DTS was the high point of my life. Constant refinement from the fire of God, a great time of learning. But how easily I'd returned to the old ways! My outlook was that going to Japan would somehow fix this all, but even that getting to Japan part seemed so out of reach!

But it was writing it out somehow that seemed to bring me back from the edge. I see now in my words a turn for something better. A hope that God could reckon something within me. Such a contrast from finding my soul spilled on paper before only a holy God and my human eyes. It was there I wrote the hopeful words "Let's reconnect, God."

That we did.

Not a week had passed but what had begun moving before I'd realized began to manifest into my life, Spirit of the living God. It came in the form of the first response to one of my many support letters I'd mailed out. And it was an abundant response. In my moments sitting in the room after thanking my friend profusely it hit me so hard the contrast of God's faithFULness to my months-long faithLESSness. I cried realizing God's goodness, that He really was going to pay for this mission, because it's His idea! Another half a week later- the church winter retreat I'd felt called to stay in the states for, an experience that could have been bitter and damaging was entirely cleansing. Finding a song a heartbeat in the midst of worship, following the lead of His Spirit to pray for my brothers, allowing Christ's work to lay bare my sinfulness and fill me. Another week onward, I got my Certificate of Eligibility for a visa in Japan. Another week, the visa in my hand, booked a ticket. And now I'm here, exactly ONE WEEK from my flight to Japan.

For me, His goodness is undeniable, His faithfulness incomparable, and the contrast of the Lord to me vast, but it is by Him that I have what I have. Praise the Lord!

2010.

2011